Muse

I created this blog about 2 years ago… this will be the first thing I’ve published since. What is my muse? This:

Today I sat in a meeting with co-workers, and we were asked a simple 3-part question: Where have you seen success, what has been challenging, and where could you use support?” I felt anxiety building up as I thought about how to answer, and when it was finally my turn the most I could get out respectably before I burst into tears was a short bible verse from the gospel of John.

Throughout the past couple of years I have noticed a change, or rather a strange reoccurrence in my behavior. I have become overly emotional. So much so that I cry more tears on a regular basis than I have been used to crying throughout my entire life. I try to ignore it and chalk it up to, “I am really tired,” or “I am stressed out.” I have even tried to Web-MD the issue and try to figure out if I am experiencing an imbalance in hormones. Either way, I have tried to suppress it and it simply will not be suppressed, so I am sitting here facing and sorting out the issue the only way I know how, which is through writing.
There are many ideas that could be behind the cause of my grief, for lack of a better word. Two ideas I listed above, and the other being that of a more spiritual matter. I have heard stories of God “breaking” people in order to prepare them to be used in greater ways. I feel like this lines up with what I’ve been experiencing, due to the fact that this has dragged on for so long. I guess God never said anything about how quickly he would prune us in order to get us ready.

 

I can imagine that God has been patiently waiting for me to get in tune enough with Him to figure some of these things out. I can just imagine God thinking to himself, “BE QUIET, LaToya, so that I can speak to you.” I also believe that I have filled my head and heart with so many other things that God’s word has not been able to get through. This has been happening over a season; I have felt productive because I have remained busy, gotten work done, heck I even got a promotion at work in the past few months. I have been silly and small minded enough to believe that I was fully living into God’s purpose for me; I have not. See I am realizing, slowly, but surely now, that God’s plans for me are way bigger than anything I have ever dreamed up for myself. This realization scares me! I have grown accustomed to this resistance in my spirit, I believe that God is breaking that out of me, and it hurts. It hurts to die to yourself, and the tears come because the Spirit is testifying to my spirit that I belong to God. My life belongs to Him, my plans, my gifts, my talents, my success and my short comings, they ALL belong to God. It is hard to let go and admit that. It hurts my pride to admit that what I am currently doing, is not enough, and doesn’t measure up to what God has for me.

I’m not in a pitiful place by any means. In fact, I consider myself a pretty joyful person, but I have to admit when there is a thing that I’m struggling with. There are some clouds, but the sun is shining through them. I am not on the other side of this situation yet, there are growing pains still, but I understand that when I come out on the other side I will be ready for what God has prepared.
“And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” -1 Peter 5:10
So there you have it, my first post with embarrassing and vulnerable story to boot. If you keep reading, I believe that what I have to say will become more insightful and interesting. Maybe.

LaToya

 

 

 

Write a new post in response to today’s one-word prompt. Not sure how to participate? Here are the steps to get started. (Prompt idea courtesy of arrowtarget.)

Source: Muse

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s